We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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