You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
