i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
