She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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