If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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