You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
