it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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