I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
