God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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