it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
