She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
