College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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