im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
