I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
