turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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