i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
