I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
