I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So here I am, sexting at work.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
