I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
