hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
