Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pants are for mortals
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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