Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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