She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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