She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
