eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
