I just made out with a guy for $7.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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