my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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