When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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