Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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