I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
