i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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