I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
