Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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