every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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