when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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