he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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