Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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