shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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