I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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