I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
