If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
