I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
