I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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