what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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