If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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