I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sarcasm needs its own font
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
