i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize