K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
