I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
