yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to make a zoo with you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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