As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
