If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
