I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
