Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
