She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
