i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
