i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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