Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize