I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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