Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
