just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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